The character of "Damien" was always a controversial figure both in and out of UCW. I had a character that was way over the top and really tried to push the envelope in terms of sexuality, erotica, and flamboyancy. I grew up idolizing a lot of over the top performers who put their all into everything they did. I wanted Damien to really be somewhat of a split personality. You never really knew which side of him you would get and that's why I proclaimed myself, "The Image of Deception." Somehow a long the way I don't know if I got lost in my character or if my character got lost on the audience, or the creative team but somewhere along the way I was turning into a modern version of 1996 Goldust!
I said it a few times before that I left on terms of creative differences. I still do stand by that but I also feel like I could have done more to communicate my dissatisfaction with what was becoming of Damien. I was also at a point of time where I was very torn in regards to what I was feeling. One part of me wanted to just keep pushing through hoping that my big "push" would come and my character could be taken more seriously. The other part was just disgusted. I lost sleep over my decision to leave UCW. It really wasn't something that was easy to do. I had long talks with my husband, best friend, a close fan. It was one of those things that I could get screwed either way. UCW was always very flexible and open to a lot of ideas that I had, that is where the st patrick's day match came from. I just didn't wanna cause even further damage and make myself seem like a demanding bitch. I knew people liked me and that I had fans buying my matches. I just didn't wanna seem like I had some sort of ego when on the business side of things my matches could be selling worse than someone who may actually deserve to be in the top spot at that particular moment. Like i said I was majorly torn and didn't know how to really handle the situation. The final straw came over a misunderstanding about my current weight. I'll explain that.
I was trying to train to make my way to BG EAST.. Not that I was turning my back on UCW but I really did want some more opportunity and BG EAST seemed like it could be on my horizon. I previously auditioned for BG EAST but I needed to put on more muscle before I'd even be considered. That was sort of the problem with me being on the smaller side. There was another company that actually was also interested but again they thought I was too small and too slim and they would only be willing to do 1 match as a trial and if that failed I'd be tied into a 1 year agreement where I couldn't wrestle for anyone else. This was at a time where I was also doing my own thing so I did not even want to get involved. Anyway back to BG EAST, I forgot what the other company even was but they won't worth my time. I wasn't being used as much in UCW so I started training to get in better shape for BG EAST. I was bulking up but I put on too much weight for UCW. They more went after my slim look, but this was another thing where I sort of had a disagreement on. I liked that I finally put on a little bit of bulk and didn't look underweight like I did previously. So the shit storm and floodgate was now open. I felt that I was worthless over a comment and it really influenced my choice to leave. So that's what I did.
I made the decision to leave UCW and after I did it felt like a shit storm erupted. So many people got the wrong message, and others didn't really make it any better. People were talking and people were spreading rumors. All of which was now further damaging my relationship with UCW. I started to feel discouraged and really didn't know what I wanted to do anymore. The school I was training pro at previously had decided to close down do to low enrollment and for one reason or another BG EAST never panned out. Then I decided for the most part to keep things pretty low key. I worked on promoting some of my own videos that I did with my husband and then got some other guys interested in wrestling me. I've toyed around with the idea of going completely solo and launching my own thing but now with a big move across the country I will be putting that on hold for a little bit.
I recently took the opportunity to actually make amends with UCW and more or less bury the hatchet not that there was ever any hard feelings on this side. I was the one who made the decision to leave and I was the one who had to face any consequences but it was one of those things that I wasn't comfortable with leaving on a bitter note. I wanted to leave the door open for the future. I was always grateful for my time in UCW and I didn't wanna sabotage any possible thing happening in the future. I am not saying that I would jump at the chance to return to UCW action tomorrow, but in the future I wouldn't want to rule out like an all star battle royal, or like a past superstars returning for a one off appearance type of thing.. You really never know. I am also not the type to hold a grudge because there is just no point in that.
This blog is already very long so I am going to end it here. I just felt like you all had the right to know what I am feeling in regards to the whole situation. Not to really beat a dead horse but I wanted to really clear the air once and for all since I have been holding back for so long and really wanted to move on from the past.
In any event I was always glad for any of the fan support I got and I love you guys! I am going to continue kicking ass and improving myself and being the best I can be! STAY FLAWLESS!!
